


keep me from the cages

by redribbonmagpie



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: AU!!, F/M, Kaladin has a bi awakening, M/M, Renarin and Kaladin have such potential together and you can fight me about it, Renarin falls down the chasm with Kal instead of Shallan, boys it’s Sappy Romance Time, but it will Take Me A While to get to that point rip, mostly Renarin centric but also pretty heavily Kaladin centric as well, the fastest slowburn youve ever seen, tws at the top of each chapter, “Well fuck” says i -the author- as the fic I was writing turned into This
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:29:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redribbonmagpie/pseuds/redribbonmagpie
Summary: When Renarin joins Shallan and Kaladin on their expedition in the Shattered Plains, fate twists, and the collapsing bridge catches Kaladin and Renarin, stranding them alone in the dangerous Chasms. Together, they must fight for their survival, all while uncovering secrets and feelings that they’ve tried to hide away. Can the two Radiants survive? And if they do, will things ever be the same again?...Not-so-slow slowburn Kaladin/Renarin centric AU fic.
Relationships: Adolin Kholin & Renarin Kholin, Kaladin & Sylphrena (Stormlight Archive), Kaladin/Renarin Kholin, Shallan Davar/Adolin Kholin, and background - Relationship
Comments: 23
Kudos: 58





	1. seen

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song East of Eden. 
> 
> tws: references to ableism and isolation
> 
> If you ever want a chapter summary, the chapter without the triggering part, etc, please let me know! I’d be more than happy to help. Stay safe. <3

“Busy at work, hm?” 

Renarin turned around, startled, only to find his brother grinning at him. He nearly lost his grip on the charcoal he was absentmindedly writing with, and clutched the sketch pad close to his chest in case he dropped that as well. He offered a small, nervous smile back as Glys hummed, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

“I- you could say that,” he said. Adolin made a grunt of effort as he shifted to sit down at the edge of the chasm next to his brother. 

“What for, if you don’t mind me asking?” He said, the curiosity clear on his face. Renarin messed with his gloves, not making eye contact. 

“...I suppose one way of looking at it is like a logic puzzle, like the ones Jasnah used to give us.” There was a slight pang of loss as he remembered she was gone, but he quickly buried it. Adolin’s face scrunched up.

“I was never any good at those,” he said, and Renarin couldn’t help but smile a little as he remembered Adolin’s confusion when Jasnah tried to explain them. Adolin smiled. “You always did have a knack for those, so whatever it is, I’m sure you’ll figure it out in no time.” 

Renarin hummed in agreement. It was something he’d picked up from Glys, but he hadn’t noticed how much he did it until now. Adolin looked curiously at his notes, and despite his brother being unable to read, Renarin closed the notebook anyways. 

“Hey, if you want,” Adolin said, starting to stand up. “Shallan and Kaladin are going away from camp for a little bit, so Shallan can draw some plants and stuff.” An amused but loving look crossed his face as he said it. “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you tagged along.” 

Renarin paused. 

“If you’re sure they won’t mind,” he said, also getting up. Adolin beamed. 

“Of course not! They’re getting ready soon, so we should probably hurry back.” 

Adolin accompanied Renarin back through camp, and despite the stares they drew, people parted and hushed a little, which Renarin was grateful for. The camp was overwhelming in any circumstance, let alone with how stressed he was now. 

It turned out that the pair were leaving from the opposite side of camp, and so the brothers took off in a run once they’d crossed the bridge out of camp. Adolin sprinted easily, but not being nearly as athletic as his brother, a familiar burning pain began to bloom in Renarin’s chest. Without even thinking, he drew in a breath of stormlight from the spheres in his pocket, and the pain ceased. The realization of what he’d done hit him just as he started to slow, closing the last few meters between the two groups. 

Hiding the fact that he was a radiant hadn’t been much of a choice. All the pressure, all the eyes on him, and it wouldn’t be long before people figured out that he’d been the one leaving the warnings. After that... his anxiety grew as his thoughts spiraled. He knew from past experiences that taking in a breath of stormlight was exceedingly obvious- the glowing, the trailing mist, and the even paler eyes were all common affects. In a surge of panic he hastily produced an illusion that wrapped around him, mimicking his normal appearance. Not only did the illusion hide the clear signs that he was a Radiant, but it used the remaining stormlight he’d inhaled. He could feel the last of it leave his body, and with a tiny sigh of relief, he let the illusion fade. 

Kaladin and Shallan has already been walking for a while before the brothers had arrived, and so were a ways away from camp. They’d both turned and stopped to wait for the two as they ran up, Kaladin with a roll of his eyes and Shallan with a faint hint of amusement. Renarin watched the two closely as he created and released the illusion, and his heart skipped a beat as Shallan’s eyes seemed to flicker over as the illusion dropped, a faint frown on her face. He quickly looked away, and she seemed to dismiss whatever thought she had, addressing Adolin. 

“That was quite the run, dear.” 

“I wanted to see you before you left,” he said, a dopey grin on his face. Renarin rolled his eyes, a movement that Kaladin seemed to notice with faint approval. Despite having grown up with his brother, he’d never understood why Adolin acted the way he did around women. He was normally quite attentive, and observant, but whenever he ran into a girl he liked, his ability to read the room seemed to vanish. As someone who’d spent a great deal of his life desperately trying and typically failing to read the room, his brother abandoning his natural ability just because a woman was apparently attractive sometimes got on his nerves. 

“Hi, Renarin,” Shallan said with a smile. He hesitantly offered one back. He’d never quite gotten to know Shallan very well- other than his brothers love struck ramblings, of course, but she didn’t treat him completely like a child, which raised his opinion of her by quite a bit. They both liked quiet things as well, which wasn’t very common amongst the others at camp, and something about her felt.. familiar. Glys had a slightly less kind opinion of her, insisting that she lied too much, but he seemed to be more protective than anything else. He looked over to Kaladin, who greeted him with a nod. 

“You don’t mind if Renarin joins you, do you?” Adolin asked, breaking Renarin out of his thoughts. 

“Of course not!” Shallan said breezily, and Kaladin shrugged. Some of the tension knotted in Renarin’s stomach lessened. 

“Great!” Adolin said, pleased with himself for arranging it. “I ought to go help father, he said he wanted to go over something with me. I hope you have a great time drawing and whatnot!” 

Shallan leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, which made Adolin flush. A bit flustered, he waved and turned around. Renarin couldn’t help but laugh, quietly. Shallan looked a bit smug. 

“What made you want to come along? It’s just so Shallan can draw,” Kaladin asked, looking back at Renarin as they started walking. His stare, so piercing and intense, both thrilled and terrified him, just like it always had. 

“I- uh- it’s just nice to get out of camp, sometimes,” he finally stuttered out, hands in his pockets, not daring to look up. 

“No need to be so intimidating, Kaladin!” Shallan said, swatting him playfully. “It’s a wonder more people don’t go nuts in that place. I certainly don’t blame him for taking some time away.” Shallan words seemed to be effective, because Kaladin reluctantly dropped the subject, but not before Shallan brought another one up. 

“I’m curious, Renarin,” Shallan asked, looking over at him with her pale green eyes. “I’ve never seen you around with a girl. Do you have someone special?” 

Now it was Kaladin’s turn to scold as Renarin stood, a bit mortified and blushing.

“Storms, woman, you don’t just ask stuff like that.” 

“Why not? I was being polite!” 

“You don’t have to answer that, highprince.” 

“Not if it makes him uncomfortable. I was just curious.” 

Renarin glances back and forth as they volleyed with each other, feeling sickeningly reminiscent of his father and mother’s arguments. 

“I- no. I don’t.” He blurted out, desperate to stop their arguing. They both looked back at him. 

“A man, then?” Shallan asked, curious. Renarin sputtered. 

What was he going to do, admit that he watched Kaladin train shirtless sometimes? That when Kaladin looked at him, he’d never felt more seen? No. Kaladin wasn’t his, and never would be. He didn’t think of Renarin like that- that much was clear. 

“I... I’m not dating anyone, let alone engaged or anything,” he mumbled, but that seemed to be the wrong answer because Shallan looked delighted. 

“Ooh! But you do like someone, do you?” 

“Leave it, Shallan,” Kaladin said firmly, stepping between them. Shallan seemed to cede, and the group fell back into their former formation. 

“Ooh! Moss!” Then Shallan darted off, crouching by some rock a ways away and attentively sketching. Renarin watched, feeling incredibly relieved that the topic had been dropped, and for the first time in a long time, let himself relax.

  
  


…

Kaladin stood there, Renarin at his side, both of them half watching as Shallan fluttered from thing to thing, chattering excitedly to the air as she did so. 

Kaladin let out an exhausted sigh, and Syl fluttered over to his shoulder. He’d had a rough night of sleep, worsened by what seemed to be a tedious day of work, accompanying the brighteyes around as they did who knows what. 

Renarin, at least, was quiet, a relieving contrast to Shallan, who never seemed to shut up. Kaladin glanced over at him, only to find him with an achingly weary look on his face, eyes shut, a look that seemed so out of place on someone as young and sheltered as he was. It was a bit startling, if he was being honest. 

“Brightlord?” 

Renarin opened his eyes. 

“...you can just call me Renarin, sir,” he said quietly. It was something he’d brought up multiple times, but saying his name felt oddly private, and close in a way that made him nervous.

“You should just call each other by your first names,” Syl said, tossing her hair. Kaladin ignored her. 

“...you seem.. different,” he said slowly, closing watching his expression. He seemed to tense, fear and panic creeping into his expression, and Kaladin swore internally. 

“Not- not in a bad way,” he added, not liking the worried look on Renarin’s face. “Just.. mature, I guess.” He ran a hand through his hair. Storms, it shouldn’t be this hard to talk to him. 

“He is your age, Kaladin,” Syl pointed out. Kaladin paused, looking over at his spren.

“...Renarin, how old are you?” 

Renarin seemed to relax a little, though he seemed slightly confused.

“...20?” 

Kaladin looked at him, a bit dumbfounded. For some reason, he’d always thought the highprince was younger. Maybe it was just that he didn’t have the arrogance that lighteyes seemed to always have, a cockiness that grew with age. Maybe it was that, next to Adolin, Renarin was small, and frail, and quiet. For whatever reason, Kaladin had always considered Renarin to be… well, a kid. 

“He’s always been your age, Kaladin,” Syl said with a frown. “You didn’t notice?”

“I look younger than I am,” Renarin added, noticing the confusion on Kaladin’s face. “And… well, people treat me like I’m younger too.” 

It wasn’t hard to see the way people either ignored or tiptoed around Renarin, like he was a fragile piece of china or a young child. He’d just thought the younger Kholin hadn’t noticed. Though, thinking about it now, he realized what a stupid conclusion that was. Renarin was smart, and clever, and observant- a fact that seemingly very few people seemed to notice due to his reserved, blunt nature. A fact that hadn’t quite hit Kaladin until now. 

“-How does that not bother you? Being treated like a child?” He asked, genuinely curious of the answer and already feeling the burn of anger even at the thought of being treated like that. Renarin shrugged a little, fiddling with the small box that always seemed to be on his person. 

“I grew up with it. It’s better than them yelling at me, I suppose. I’d rather be ignored than laughed at.” 

Kaladin couldn’t help but stare. “...are those really the two options?” 

He shrugged again, messing with the clasp on the box. “I’ve always been the second son, the younger brother. The weak one. The one who needed to be tucked away. The one who wasn’t Alethi enough, wasn’t masculine enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t… enough.” 

Kaladin stood as still as possible, not daring to move, as if that would break the feeling that had settled over the two, as if a single twitch would make Renarin shut himself away again and Kaladin would never be able to see this true self, this beautiful, baffling person again. Renarin glanced at Kaladin. 

“That’s part of why I wanted to join Bridge Four so badly. I so desperately hoped it would be a place where people wouldn’t stare, where I could do something fulfilling without being told it was too risky. I watched you, you and the whole group, for hours sometimes. That camaraderie, that sense of- of a whole. A community, one where maybe, maybe for once I could be just myself and… and that would be enough.” 

He looked away again. “... they’re still nervous about me, sometimes. You as well. Because I’m a highprince, because I’m a lighteyes. I- I get it, I do. You’re a group of outcasts, shunned and broken by a culture that I represent. You don’t want to push me, because to you I’m still frail, I’m breakable. You have all been through hardships, things that have broken you, and you’ve filled those cracks with each other, with Bridge Four, and the Windrunners, and hope and purpose. I was envious of that, for a long time.” 

“...but not now?” Kaladin asked, his words barely a murmur, so hesitant. He was looking only at Renarin now, uncaring of whatever Shallan was doing in the periphery. Renarin was staring over the massive broken plateau, hair blowing faintly in the wind that had started to pick up, sending little wind spren floating around both of them.  _ He really does look different _ , Kaladin thought to himself. He wasn’t the same person he had been when the two had first met. There was a stubbornness to him now, a self-confident tilt of his chin, and that aching weariness he’d seen before, the weariness of one who has loved and lost and lived on despite. When had he stopped wearing glasses? His eyes were an achingly beautiful sky blue, now unobscured, and they seemed to look past everything. 

“Now I… can see clearly. I have a family of my own, too- not just Adolin and father, but you, and Bridge Four, and even Shallan.” He offered a small shy smile to Kaladin, who felt heat rising to his cheeks.

“Is that what you fill the cracks with?” Kaladin asked quietly. Renarin’s hair floated in the breeze, the typical dark Alethi hair interwoven with gold. He hadn’t seen hair like that until he’d met the Kholin brothers, and it was striking, something that made a statement just by existing. He hummed.

“I fill my cracks with you,” he murmured, the words barely audible as the wind carried them away.

Kaladin sputtered silently, and Syl let out a delighted gasp. Renarin finally seemed to snap back to attention, and a flush rose to his face as he closed in on himself nervously.

“Ah. Um, sorry. That wasn’t very… appropriate, was it?” He said, quickly looking away from Kaladin, who couldn’t help but feel a pang as he closed off. 

“Who cares if it was?” Syl squealed, having excitedly zipped over to the brighteye. 

“...I didn’t mind,” Kaladin said, still staring at him with a writhing mass of new emotions. Renarin had always been… well, Renarin. Odd, in his own, quiet way, with a mind that seemed to work differently that other’s did- not for better, or worse, it just simply was. Due to his condition, people treated him with such care, and yet it was clear to see this aching hunger deep within him, the need to be better, to be good enough, the same need that rang so true to Kaladin. He had always felt seen by Renarin, in a way that made him slightly uncomfortable- but now that sensation of being known and accepted and loved despite made him warm in a way he’d never felt in his whole life. 

Renarin cleared his throat, still blushing, and awkwardly dismissed himself, crossing the distance over to Shallan. Kaladin couldn’t quite hear what the two said as they striked up a conversation, but Renarin was clearly encouraging Shallan’s interests as her face lit up and she began to gesture wildly. 

Syl had flown back to him, still squealing excitedly. “Kaladin, that was so sweet!” She flipped backwards through the air to beam at him. “I can’t believe he hasn’t bonded a spren himself.” 

Kaladin was grateful for the distraction. The point was, what Renarin had said- about not being enough, about being broken, and filling the cracks- the words rang true in a way that was so clearly reminiscent of what he knew of the Knights Radiant, and his personal experiences as well. He frowned slightly. Maybe it was a coincidence- or maybe not. 

“Could we tell if he had?” He asked, looking over at where Syl had lazily started circling the shaft of his spear. 

“No, not if he didn’t want to show us. But it’s Renarin- he’d tell you about something like that,” she said with a confidence Kaladin didn’t feel. He shifted his gaze back over to where Renarin had now crouched down, offering a shy smile to an enthusiastic Shallan. He wished he knew the reason why his stomach shifted so. The reason why when he looked at Renarin, his emotions seemed to go to war. 

“...never mind. I’m sure it’s nothing.” 


	2. shame spren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renarin and Shallan bond over shared interests, Renarin makes a confession, and Kaladin continues to not process his emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tws: some mild cultural disphoria

Renarin was so close to curling up in a ball for the rest of the day, appearances be damned. 

His heart still pounded, his mind endlessly looping Kaladin’s words, the way his face melted into soft surprise, the way he’d stilled and looked at him and listened. Renarin’s face was still flushed, and his questions about lichen that he asked Shallan were half-hearted at best, not like she seemed to notice. Storms, Kaladin must think him so improper, pouring out his heart like that. He wished he could take it back. But even as he had that thought, he noticed the joy and passion spren drifting about him. Then again, they might have just floated over from Shallan, who was practically wreathed in them. Glys hummed, snapping Renarin back to attention. 

“And that's not only their defense mechanism, but the way they communicate threats to the others of their species!” She finished excitedly. Renarin nodded, turning his attention fully to her. He knew the intense passion that a subject of interest brought, as well as the aching disappointment when no one seemed to care.

“Do you research spren as well?” He asked curiously, and Shallan brightened. Glys drifted over to her, curious and a bit suspicious. 

“Oh, yes!” She said, hurriedly flipping through her sketchbook, passing over masterpieces on every page until she found the one she wanted. “Here- fearspren, and deathspren, and I know I have more around here somewhere.”

Renarin leaned in closer, enough to see but no close than that. She smelled of a perfume that made his nose hurt, but the rich smell of ink and paper combated it enough to make the experience bearable. Spren had always been an interest of his, but ever since Glys had appeared, he’d also looked out for any spren that looked like him. He hadn’t seen any yet.

“Oh, you can’t read, can you?” Shallan said, the realization having struck her, causing a few shame spren to flutter around. “I forget, sometimes.” 

Renarin paused. In truth, he could read the smooth curves of women’s script with ease, as well as the blocky glyphs. Admitting that seemed like something that would get him in trouble, and yet… 

“...you wouldn’t tell anyone if I could, would you?” He asked nervously. Shallan’s eyes widened. 

“Stormfather, can you?” 

Renarin wanted to curl up even more so than he did before, anything to avoid her gaze. He hated the fact that he enjoyed feminine and masculine things, and that admitting so would always bring judgement. He ached to learn music, to draw, to write and read not in secret, to learn about fabrials and spren, but he also wanted to be a part of Bridge Four, to fight, to use both hands. He wanted to be able to eat what he liked, only worrying about texture and tastes instead of what was allowed. He wanted both. He supposed that was greedy of him. 

“I won’t tell,” Shallan said, now hushed, eyes glittering with surprise and joy about the secret. She shifted the book so he could better read, which he did. 

“...Renarin?” She interrupted, after several long minutes of silence. She had a curious, thoughtful look on her face. Glys retreated back over to his favourite position over Renarin’s left shoulder. 

“...you are a man, right?” 

He paused. 

“-Technically, yes.”

“What does technically mean?” 

He hesitated again, but Shallan seemed so earnest, so open and kind. Glys hummed anxiously, unsure of which choice he supported. 

“...I don’t know. I was born male, raised male. But… I like both. Masculine and feminine stuff. Maybe it’s because my mom was a foreigner, I’m not Alethi enough.” What was it with him and opening up today? He’d admitted more in the past ten minutes than he had his whole life. 

“Forget I said anything,” he added hurriedly, shame and fear spren drifting around him like slow falling rain. Glys nuzzled his cheek, and the tingly warmth it brought was reassuring. 

“No, Ren- it’s alright. I’m not mad or upset or anything,” Shallan said, quick to reassure. “I… don’t understand, but I’m not judging.”

He paused, finally daring to make eye contact. Her pale eyes seemed earnest. 

“What other spren do you have? Do you have any red spren?” He asked, changing the subject, which seemed to relieve her as well as him. She thought for a moment. 

“Well, anger spren, passion spren, and anticipation spren, of course. Rot spren as well, or so I’m told. Were you looking for something in particular?” 

Renarin glanced at Glys. Glys said that Renarin was a Truthwatcher, a section of the Knights Radiant. So perhaps Glys wasn’t the kind of spren that could be known about without that kind of bond? It was hard to tell- Glys didn’t talk very often, and when he did, it wasn’t out loud, like he’d seen Kaladin do. Despite the spren not saying anything, his near constant humming and buzzing was a language of emotion that Renarin understood eerily well. Glys was currently buzzing over the pages, as if curiously reading for himself. 

“Uh… no, it’s alright. Nevermind. Ooh, is that a hunger spren? I don’t see those often.”

The conversation dissolved into excited chatter about the various spren and the places Shallan had seen them, and Renarin let himself be swept away by her stories and words. It was the second place he’d ever felt accepted. 

…

Kaladin watched the pair from a distance, far enough away for privacy but close enough to intervene if necessary. The awkward rapport between the two seemed to melt away quickly, leaving them excitedly exchanging theories using words Kaladin couldn’t begin to understand, though he got the idea they were talking about spren. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about all that Renarin has said. It was the blunt honesty he’d come to expect, and yet it still hit him hard. As he went over everything, his gaze ended up on Renarin himself, who had sat down comfortably on the hard ground and was shaking his hands happily, a smile on his face. Kaladin cherished that smile, that genuine smile that often took so long to coax out of him, even surrounded by Bridge Four. None of his men, or himself, were scholars- they didn’t understand what Renarin often started rambling excitedly about. But Shallan, for all her faults, seemed to fill that spot exactly. 

I fill my cracks with you. Almighty, what did that mean?

“Storming lighteyes,” he cursed to himself. 

“What? They’re just having a good time!” Syl said, frowning at him from his shoulder. 

“What did he mean? By any of it?” He said out loud. The lack of an answer was starting to get on his nerves. 

“...by telling you about his feelings? Well, Kaladin, I’m pretty sure that’s how you humans bond. And you asked, after all.”

“I guess.” But I didn’t expect him to answer, let alone so honestly, he wanted to add, but the words didn’t come out. Renarin was almost always a closed off person: it had taken months of being with Bridge Four for him to start relaxing even the slightest bit. Not like his men hadn’t tried- he’d overheard more than a few meetings about how to make the younger highprince let down his guard. And who would have expected someone so high rank to feel so… broken?

“Just because he’s a lighteye doesn’t mean he hasn’t suffered,” Syl said, as if she was reading his mind, which, to be fair, she might have been. “Just in a different way. Trauma isn’t just one thing. Opening up must have been hard.” 

“But still! What did he mean, ‘I fill my cracks with you’?”

Syl paused.

“You know, so why aren’t you telling me?”

“It’s the sort of thing you need to figure out on your own.”

“What, some sort of Knights Radiant thing?”

“...er, no. Um, shouldn’t we head back? It’s already midafternoon,” she said, quickly changing the subject. Kaladin checked the position of the sun in the sky, and reluctantly had to agree with his spren.

“Alright, we should head back,” he called out, starting to walk over to Shallan and Renarin. Shallan openly groaned, and Renarin looked a bit disappointed. 

“We should come back out tomorrow!” Shallan said, turning excitedly and grabbing Renarin’s hands. “If we set out earlier, we could cover even more ground!” 

Renarin, a bit startled and off balance due to the sudden contact, fumbled for words. “Oh! I’d enjoy that, if you have the time,” he said shyly. 

“Of course! You’re the only damn person out here who understands the pursuit of knowledge and truth,” Shallan said, dramatically gesturing as she scooped up her supplies and rose to her feet. Kaladin rolled his eyes, but Renarin giggled, so he let the comment slide. When had he started paying attention to stuff like that? It was the lack of sleep. That must be why he felt this way. 

Renarin and Shallan walked in the front, Kaladin trailing behind. They seemed to resume their conversation from earlier, and Kaladin let himself tune out, glancing up at the cloudless sky above. 

He couldn’t help but notice it was the exact same shade as Renarin’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be honest- I genuinely don’t remember if Renarin being literate is something the other characters know. For the purposes of the chapter, I assume it’s something kept very quiet, even amongst his close family, if it’s known about at all. I intentionally left the cause of Renarin’s dysphoria up to the reader- whether he identifies as genderqueer, non-binary, or cis with a broad variety of interests is your choice (I personally hc Renarin as a demiboy).   
> I hadn’t realized what a good dynamic Shallan and Renarin could have until I wrote this chapter, since it’s not something explored in canon or most fanworks, but I’m proud of how it turned out! Tbh, if you’re ever curious about my reasoning behind something, comment and I’ll be happy to answer.  
> I’m ecstatic that I’ve gotten this positive a reaction in this short of time. You guys are amazing <3\. Thanks for reading!


	3. walking side by side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renarin and Shallan discuss suitors and crushes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing really worth tagging tws this time!

It was incredible how quickly Renarin let himself relax with Shallan. She didn’t ask him to make eye contact, or to stop fidgeting, and she clarified things for him without questions when he asked. He could start to see why his brother liked her so much- she was just an easy person to be around. She was smart, talented, and witty, and she seemed to recognize Renarin as an equal.

Their conversation drifted from spren to Jasnah and beyond. Before he’d really processed what was happening, he was telling Shallan about Adolin’s various misadventures in dating, much to her delight. 

“I never knew he was such a ladykiller,” she said, stifling a laugh with her safehand. Renarin couldn’t help but feel a glow of pride that he hadn’t ruined the conversation yet. She lowered her hand, still smiling. “Do you take after your brother in that way?”

“Storms no. I think that’s pretty obvious,” Renarin said, a bit surprised. Shallan laughed again, but it wasn’t mocking, just amused. 

“You seem a great deal calmer than he is, for sure. But still, you have to have your fair share of ladies lining up. You are a highprince, after all.” 

Renarin flushed. “Ah, um- no, not really. For a while, yea, but then they actually got to know me, and… I was never very interested anyways.” 

“Oh, playing hard to get?”

“More being socially inept, but, sure?”

Shallan swatted at him playfully. “You’re not that bad.” Glys hummed in agreement. 

“I am, though. And all of them were just interested in the money and power, never actually in me. I-I mean, I get that’s how a lot of marriages work, but...“ the sentence dissolved into mumbles. He glanced back at Kaladin, who was looking as brooding and ruggedly handsome as ever, staring off into the distance. Storms, how could he make sulking that attractive? 

“So, how long have you had a crush on Stormblessed?” Shallan asked casually, and Renarin whipped around to look at her, eyes widening in panic. 

“Shallan!” He hissed. She giggled.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell. But come on, it’s pretty obvious,” she said, gently teasing in a tone that reminded him of Adolin. She did keep her voice low, however, which was relieving. Renarin glanced back to make sure Kaladin hadn’t noticed. Sure enough, he hadn’t broken stride, still staying a reasonable distance away. He had his hair pulled back, but several loose locks had fallen out, framing his face. It was effortlessly gorgeous. 

“I- is it?” He asked weakly. He’d hidden his feelings as well as he could, and it helped that Renarin wasn’t very expressive anyways. 

“Well, you clearly aren’t interested in girls, and the only man you seem to have eyes for is Bridge Boy. Not to mention that you two were looking at each other longingly when I was categorizing that specimen of moss,” Shallan said matter of factly, as if she’d thought it all out very carefully. Glys had tucked himself in the fold of Renarin’s coat, right near his heart, and was vibrating and emitting a steady heat in a decidedly amused manner. He scowled a little at his spren before turning back to Shallan. 

“I mean, he is a damn fine looking man, I’ll give you that,” Shallan said, glancing back at their guard herself. Renarin felt his whole face go red. 

“So, how long?”

“...how long?”

“Have you had a crush on him.” 

“... pretty much ever since I joined Bridge Four. I- I was terrified to ask, you know. He’s so intimidating, and someone like me, someone he probably hated, asking to join a group that was so clearly close? I didn’t really expect anything. But as I stood there, trying not to break down and expecting rejection, he… got this look in his eyes. This sort of soft, thoughtful look. I think that was the moment, really.” The words just flowed out of him like a burst dam, and Shallan listened patiently with a tiny smile. 

“He- he looks at me in a way no one else does. Like he actually sees me,” Renarin murmured, the words finally running out. There was a silence which neither of them tried to fill.

“But he doesn’t think of me like that,” he said, taking a deep breath. “So there’s no point in dwelling on it.” 

The bridge and the camp beyond was finally within sight, and so was Adolin, waiting for them on the far end of the bridge. He waved excitedly, and both Renarin and Shallan returned his greeting. Shallan rushed ahead towards her fiancé, who swooped her up dramatically in both arms. Renarin rolled his eyes, but it was goodnaturedly, finally reaching his side of the bridge. He hesitated a little- he never enjoyed crossing the chasms, no matter how safe the bridges supposedly were. It was enough time for Kaladin to catch up and put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Trust me, it’ll hold,” he said, then seemed to remember that Renarin wasn’t a fan of sudden contact and pulled his hand away. The momentary steady hand settled his nerves enough to start crossing, though he still watched the wood beneath his feet intently. 

It was about halfway across the bridge when it started to happen. The wooden planks seemed to stiffen and crack, becoming pieces of glass under his feet. He froze, recognizing the start of his visions, and Glys drifted out, anxiously humming in mutual concern. He frantically scanned the abstract colored shapes as they cracked into further and further detail, stretching across the bridge in front of him. Kaladin stopped a few feet away, watching him carefully and ready to intervene if it was one of his fits. Renarin clenched his hands together anxiously, waiting for the scene below his feet to take shape. It took him a few seconds as the shifting pieces started to move slower and slower before he realized what he was seeing. 

“Everyone get off the bridge!” He yelled, terror making his heart race. 

The next few seconds happened very quickly and very slowly at the same time. On the other end, Adolin quickly set Shallan on steady ground and readied to grab his brother and Kaladin. Next to him, Kaladin whipped around, looking at the men operating the end of the bridge just in time to see one pull a lever, and then the wood below Renarin just… disappeared. 

The long seconds of falling were the worst. The light of the sky above him grew smaller and smaller and the darkness surrounding him growing deeper. He glanced over to see the form of Kaladin attempting to draw in stormlight and failing, and the red blur of Glys streaking after him. 

And then there was impact, pain, and darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to split and post this section in two parts, due to the second half getting incredibly long. Unfortunately, this means that it ends on a cliffhanger. So. Whoops?  
> Some nice cute stuff this chapter to buffer out the angst of next chapter.   
> Thanks for reading!


	4. chasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chasm is dark, and things get bloody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: gore, panic attack, loss of comfort item, sensory issues, angst, mourning

Kaladin woke up and immediately wished he hadn’t. 

His whole body ached, and he rolled off the pile of rocks he’d slammed into with a moan. His mouth was full of blood, and he spat it out, trying not to gag at the sensation. 

Syl was a blue blur as she rushed over to him.

“Kaladin!” 

He looked around with confusion for a second before the memory of what had happened hit him, and he jolted to his feet, ignoring the pain. 

“Storms! Renarin? Renarin?”

He was frozen with fear. No, no, no no no nonono. Not again. He was not going to lose someone again. But the rational part of his brain was already telling him that there was no way the human body could survive impact from a height like that, not without stormlight, that somewhere beneath all the rubble was Renarin’s body, bloodied and broken and cold. His breathing hitched in his chest as he looked around frantically. He wasn’t going to lose anyone else, Almighty be damned! He could hear Syl talking, but he wasn’t listening. He hurriedly climbed over to the larger mound of rubble nearby and began digging through it, tossing rocks aside. There was still time, he could still save him- 

He caught sight of a splash of red.

He dug even faster, the rocks he was shoving aside now slick with blood. Slowly, he uncovered a horrifying sight. 

The surgeon in Kaladin made a list of the wounds. Multiple broken ribs punctured both lungs, worsening the hole in his chest where a sharp rock had crushed him. His right arm had crumpled, the bone within shattered, and his head was soaked in blood. Working with his father and fighting had both left Kaladin accustomed to gore, but this was different. This was personal.

Kaladin just felt numb as he carefully pulled Renarin’s body out of the rubble, cradling him carefully to his chest. 

He was so small, so fragile looking, so red, red everywhere. Kaladin’s breathing hitched in his chest, and his cheeks felt wet. He looked up to see if it was raining, to look anywhere else, but the sky was clear. There was this shrill humming ringing in his ears, but he ignored it, closing his eyes. He just wanted to lie down and let everything go dark, so he could stop aching, stop hurting just for a little while. 

And then Renarin took the tiniest of breaths, and the air was filled with a blue glow, and Kaladin felt the body in his arms slowly clicking back together, the open wounds closing in the way that a body only did when it took in Stormlight. Kaladin nearly dropped him in surprise.

“Kaladin it’s- oh, storms!” Even Syl was caught off guard, and the two of them watched as the injuries healed before their eyes. The healing wasn't complete- Renarin still had scrapes and bruises and some minor cuts, and his clothes were still soaked in blood, but he was breathing, the worst of his wounds healed. Kaladin felt the thrill of hope flare through his confusion and numbness. 

Then Renarin’s eyes fluttered open, confused and so clearly in pain but alive, and Kaladin sobbed. 

“...uh… Kaladin?” He murmured, brows furrowing in concern, his voice weak and trembling. He was still so bloody, everything slick with red, his coat ripped practically to shreds, but he was alive and talking and Kaladin decided to put off questioning the miracle for a few seconds longer. He pulled the highprince into a loose hug, closing his eyes and letting his hitching breathing slowly calm as he listened to the other man’s steady heartbeat. 

Renarin tensed for a few seconds, then relaxed in the embrace, letting out a shaky sigh. 

“Kaladin. You don’t understand- that shouldn’t be possible.” 

Kaladin didn’t look at Syl, though the tone of her voice was edging on frantic. Renarin turned his head though, for apparently the spren had decided to appear to him as well, and pulled away from his captain. 

“I.. don’t understand,” he said slowly. 

“Syl, couldn’t I have just healed him?” Kaladin asked wearily, the pain of his own injuries coming back. He took in another small breath of stormlight and the ache lessened, though he was aware he shouldn’t be using it this quickly. 

“No. That’s the problem- you’re a Windrunner, Kaladin. You can only heal yourself using stormlight,” she said quickly, staring at Renarin with mild horror. “There’s no way. He should be dead.” 

Renarin looked away, to a point near the ground, though there was nothing there. 

“And how did he know the bridge was going to break?!” Syl said, gaining traction. “Before anything happened, he yelled for everyone to get off the bridge! How could he have possibly known that was going to happen?”

Kaladin paused. She had a good point- though Kaladin had seen the man who sabotaged the bridge, Renarin had not. He’d been staring at the bridge itself, with an almost frightening intensity. And even Kaladin knew that seeing the future- however unlikely that was- could not possibly be a good thing. 

“Renarin?” He asked quietly. Renarin flinched, not looking at his captain or the spren. He reached in his pocket to find his box, but what he pulled out was a mess of splinters and bent metal. He let out a small whine, a noise Kaladin had heard only a few times before when Renarin was truly, deeply upset. 

Kaladin decided to let the matter drop for now- calming Renarin down first was the most important part. Renarin curled up, knees to his chest, and started rocking, still emitting that faint whine, which seemed to resonate with a more soothing hum from who knows where. Kaladin swore internally, trying to remember what he’d seen Adolin do, and what the older highprince had said to do to help. 

Get him away from whatever was freaking him out. Right, right. Kaladin gently took Renarin’s hand, the one that was clutching the shattered wood, and carefully pried it open, taking the pieces out of his hand and putting them in his pocket. Renarin flinched at the contact, especially when the wood jabbed his skin, but seemed faintly less upset once it was gone. 

“Ok, Ok. So, really no touching this time,” Kaladin murmured to himself. Syl hovered near him, unsure of what to do or what exactly had happened. What else? Adolin said find his box if it wasn’t on him- well, that wasn’t very helpful, since that was the issue. His mind blanked, and he knew with faint panic that Renarin wasn’t going to calm down easily on his own. Instincts took over and he rummaged frantically in his own pockets, looking for anything that could be a distraction. He pulled back a little in surprise as his fingers met cool stone, then the memory of picking up the strange smooth red rock came back to him. It had been a split second impulse, a behavior so reminiscent of a younger version of himself who would keep an eye out for rocks for Tien. Hesitantly, he pulled it out, and offered it to Renarin.

“I- I don’t know if this will help, but… I found this at camp a few days ago? It’s a nice red colour, and smooth like glass, and… I don’t know. This is ridiculous, isn’t it?” His explanation dissolved into muttering, and he looked away in defeat. But as his gaze was averted, he felt a small, warm hand take the rock. He turned back to see Renarin looking at the rock curiously, the whining tapering off, still rocking but with a great deal less urgency, more like the contented swaying Kaladin had seen before. He turned it over in his hand, rubbing the smooth side, then the rough edge, and back and forth in the rhythmic manner that he seemed to do a great deal of things. Kaladin felt a surge of relief as the panic seemed to slowly leave Renarin’s battered form. Syl opened her mouth to say something, but Kaladin cut her off. 

“Not now, Syl. We need to focus on getting out of here.” He turned back to the highprince, who was still focused intently on the rock. “Are you ready yet?” 

Renarin shook his head frantically. Kaladin sighed, but nodded, finding a more comfortable position on the rocks. 

“How about touching? Are your clothes bothering you?” 

Renarin paused, and tugged gently at his blood soaked shirt, which Kaladin took to mean that he wanted it off. 

“Can you come over here, off the rocks? It’ll be more comfortable.”

After a few seconds of hesitation, Renarin moved off the blood streaked rocks onto the dry floor of the chasm. Once he’d settled down, Kaladin slowly and gently helped him take the remains of his coat off, careful to touch him as little as possible. The coat was easy enough, since it was intended to be loose fitting, but Kaladin knew the shirt would be a different story. 

“...ok. I’m going to cut through it on the back, ok? So it’ll be easier to take off,” he explained as he drew the small dagger from his side sheath. Renarin tensed a little, but didn’t scurry away, which was as good as it was going to get. 

“I’ll be really careful and try not to touch you, but you have to stay as still as you can. Does that sound like a plan?” 

After he’d nodded consent, Kaladin very carefully used his blade to cut through the fabric of the shirt, both of them silent and tense. The second Kaladin pulled away, Renarin hurriedly tugged the shirt off, using the dry parts to anxiously wipe at the blood that he seemed to be soaked in. 

“Hey! Be careful,” Kaladin said, medical training kicking in. “Just because you’re healed doesn't mean you weren’t injured. Be gentle.”

“...sticky. I hate it,” Renarin murmured, still intent on wiping off as much blood as he could. Eventually, he seemed to give up, letting his bloodied shirt fall to the chasm floor, shivering slightly as a breeze swept by. Without thinking, Kaladin took off his coat and draped it over the highprince, who blushed but slipped it on with silent gratefulness. The two sat in silence for a few minutes, Renarin’s anxiety slowly leaking away. 

“...so, what do we do?” Renarin asked quietly. 

Kaladin sighed, checking spheres in the pouch at his side. As he’d expected, they were all dun. Renarin, seeing his movements, did the same. By the small look of disappointment, he could guess what he saw. 

“I suppose we should start walking. Maybe we can find someplace less steep so we can climb out,” Kaladin said, though even he could tell that his tone was nothing short of hopeless. 

To his surprise, Renarin nodded, and clambered to his feet.

“Left or right?” He asked, tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. 

“...Left.” 

And so the two of them, both silent, began walking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe for u chiri mwah mwah  
> thanks to everyone at the coscrew tho (whom without this fic would be impossible)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was not what I had intended when I started writing it.  
> In fact, it originally was a timeloop AU of the chasm scene, where Renarin is stuck trying to stop the bridge from collapsing. I’m still hoping to write said fic, eventually, but when I started writing it, the characters took over and this happened.   
> You may have noticed that I mention that Kaladin and Renarin are the same age, a fact I was honestly surprised to learn while researching (aka using the coppermind) for this fic. That was sort of the turning point from what this fic was supposed to be to what it is now. I started writing for Renarin and just couldn’t stop!   
> That being said- Renarin is a canonically autistic character, and I write him as such, relying on my own experiences being on the spectrum. I don’t represent all autistic people, but I hope I write him in a way that’s in character. 
> 
> Now, after a needlessly long authors note, the usual:  
> Thanks for reading! I’m planning to continue this fic, so if you’re interested, please subscribe to it! Kudos, comments, and bookmarks are all music to my ears. <3


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